Supporting Friends and Family
Supporting someone can be challenging. You may have to watch the abused person make decisions you don’t agree with.
Remember that often, leaving an abusive partner only signifies the end of the relationship – not the end of the abuse, and victims will have to sacrifice a lot in order to leave.
Trust them to know their situation best; you don’t have to live with the consequences of their decision.
First Steps
Domestic abuse is never the abused person’s fault and it is never acceptable. Only the abuser is responsible for their abuse.
Remember, not all abuse is physical harm, and people may spend years in an abusive relationship without identifying it as such because they haven’t been physically hurt.
Not sure about starting a conversation or just want to be extra safe?
Never give up on your loved one. You might be their only lifeline.
Starting the conversation
Don’t underestimate the importance of breaking the silence and reaching out to someone you think might be experiencing abuse. If you feel you’re in a safe place to start a conversation, remember to approach them about the abuse sensitively.
Here are some useful questions with sensitive phrasing you can bear in mind:
Want some support?
Our DA Friends initiative helps everyone learn how to navigate these tough conversations. To Listen, Link, and Lend a Hand.
DO’S
- Encourage them to contact local support services or the National Domestic Abuse Helpline for support.
- Support the abused person, whether they are ready to leave or not.
- Let them know you are concerned and want to help.
- Believe what they tell you and take it seriously.
- Always be clear that the abuse is wrong.
DON’TS
- Don’t tell a victim to ‘just leave’ or ‘just break up with them’. There are many reasons why they cannot, and leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship which must be done with support from specialist domestic abuse services.
- Don’t attempt to mediate in an abusive relationship.
- Don’t blame the victim. Concentrate on supporting them and working out ways they can protect themselves.
- Don’t focus on trying to work out reasons for the abuser’s behaviour – only they are responsible for this, and there is no valid or acceptable reason.
- Don’t criticise their relationship with the abuser; instead, focus on their safety and support their decisions.
- Don’t try to maintain a relationship with the abuser. It will take a lot of courage for the victim to disclose to you and approaching the abuser will suggest you don’t believe or support the victim.
After the initial conversation
Some constructive questions that may help the person you are supporting to clarify their thinking:
Listen to them non-judgementally, whilst maintaining that everyone has the right to safety and respect.
Clare’s Law (Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme)
See our Guidance on Clare’s Law and other helpful guidance documents here.
Since 2014, Clare’s Law gives any person the right to ask the police if their partner may pose a risk to them. A member of the public can also make enquiries into the partner of a close friend or family member- this is called the Right to Ask. The person you are asking about will not be informed of this.
Professionals, including police officers, can apply under the Right to Know if they are concerned about someone. If police checks show a record of abusive offences or other information to indicate your friend or family member is at risk, the police will consider sharing this information with the people best placed to protect the potential victim.
The aim of this scheme is to give people a formal process to make enquires about an individual who they are in a relationship with, or who is in a relationship with someone they know, where there is a concern that the individual may be abusive towards their partner. It allows potential victims to make an informed decision about continuing the relationship and provides them with help and support.
You can contact your local police for advice by phoning 101.